I attended a Grief tending with Shining Darkness on Saturday. I had discovered it the day before in a newsletter from Sophy Banks. My partner was able to change her plans at short notice so that she could look after our two children for the day. I’m so grateful to her.

So I arrived in a slightly bewildered state, having had very little time to consider the fact that I was attending a grief ritual. Due to some technical difficulty, Rohan and Selena had not received my application form, and we’re not expecting me, but after a brief discussion allowed me to join the circle.

I have attended two Grief Tendings before with Gail Davidson, so I was familiar with the process of stirring grief with writing and sharing exercises. I shared from the heart about my grief, but without emotion… a flat effect.. .I could hear the lack of intonation in my voice. When Selena Rohan and Helena introduced the Grief expression part of the ritual, I could feel the sadness rise up within me, and could feel the tears wanting to spring from my eyes. I have not cried since my Father passed away just over a year ago, so this was an unusual inner experience. I heard others express their grief and was humbled and felt a deep sense of connection with their humanity, their courage and suffering. When it came to be my turn, I spoke and cried and swore my anger and frustration. I noticed the member’s of the group witnessing all these emotions that I ordinarily hold on to. To close my sharing, I poured water from a jug into a large bowl; a ritual to signify the flowing quality of grief. After the expression part of the ritual, there was some time for soothing and resting. Rohan played a bell like instrument and spoke softly to us as we laid down on cushioned mats. We then all went outside to pour the water from the ritual onto the roots of a small tree. To finish the ritual we all gathered for a meal of homemade soup, sourdough toast and cacao drink. I enjoyed this way of ending a grief tending ritual, with a meal. I felt that the Selena, Rohan and Helena had carefully considered how to take care of the group’s needs, and though about how to gather a supportive group that might meet again in the future.

It is recommended to attend to self-care after a grief tending. As I had arranged, this one at the day before, I had obligations to attend to that evening. My partner provided a supportive chat before bed. I felt like my inner world had fallen from its axis. The next day (Sunday), with two children to look after, I held myself together as best I could, enjoying the sunshine and my children’s joy, wild abandon and freedom. I felt more able to attend to their frustration when their freedom was curtailed by my or their sibling’s needs or my need to take care of them. By the evening I was a wreck, stumbling around, groaning with emotional exhaustion. I felt like my whole personality was molten and sloshing around inside of me.

The following day (Monday) I largely spent in bed, after our oldest child was in school. I rested and bit by bit started to feel less exhausted.

I was left with a sense that, despite all that has happened it my life that I experienced as harmful, however much I feel damaged by that, there is a source within me from which new growth can come.